So Euro 2008 has finally started and as much as I’m excited by the tournament I am getting irritated that there is still only one word on every pundit’s lips - England! Should the English team be doing this? Should they avoid doing that!? Going by the viewing today it will be the most used word through the entire tournament, except for Ronaldo (Who looked slightly jaded tonight).
England should be copying teams that are playing - These teams managed to qualify whereas England did not! This is why I have decided to give everyone a tip for the tournament - Click the Red Button and choose Five Live Commentary to avoid the constant ramblings of Motson and Lawrenson on how this tournament begs for a Gerrard, a Rooney or a Terry! It bloody well does not beg for any of those classless unprofessionals.
Also, the constant need to associate foreign players to an England International player’s position is utterly pointless! “Playing in that Ashley Cole style” - Really? Is he? I thought that was called left back myself. As far as I know that term has been used since before moneybags was born!? Clearly not in Motson’s head. Why not the “Patrice Evra sort style”? Why not the “Garry Hay style”!?
The sooner England are knocked out the bett… oh wait!
OH SNAP! 
I have decided to take a leaf out of the Heroes book and save the world. I am listing some of the many issues I have with the world today and I hope you join me in the fight to correct them:
People who nickname themselves Kaka during kickabouts - You’re not Kaka mate, you are totally crap though. The best way to deal with such bell-ends during random games is to stand them up by 2 yards and wait for the opportune moment to nip the ball away. Honestly, it just pisses them off. The real Kaka though is just short of god-like status.
Traffic Lights - Are they not just the bane of your existence? Apparently there are 38 sets in the 8 miles between my house and university. Is there a f**king need for half of them? NO. There are now 4 sets down the A68 in Dalkeith each about 150 yards from each other serving no other purpose than to let people cross - GET RID OF THEM. Make the distance between them larger - It’ll help reduce the obesity issues people in this country have if they have to walk further or faster to cross the road. Or bring back more zebra crossings.
The price of sweets - Do you remember the days of paying about 30p for a bar of Dairy Milk? Nowadays you’d be lucky if you’re paying under 55p for one. It is extortion, plain and simple. What about places like WH Smith and Woolworths that thrived on the offers like 5 for £1. You’d be lucky to get 2 for £1 these days!
Buckfast and other Neddy drinks are partly responsible for the downfall of society - I have a solution. You see, Neds are allergic to any sort of culture - It’s their kryptonite in a way. Hence why the government should force Buckfast to change it’s name to Le vin de moines. Could you imagine young Chantelle and Chelsea-Jade asking for Le vin de moines at their local off-license!? How about we change Lambrini to Le Vin de Raisin Doux Italien while we’re at it?
Old people that have the sole purpose of stopping in the middle of a busy street. Do you not realise you’re in everybody’s way? Do you not know there are 20 difference coffee shops in 100 yard radius of where you’re currently talking to Margaret? You had all week to go shopping with her, why not Monday at 10am? No, you have to go Saturday at 1pm, don’t you? Just to cause everyone else pain!
I hope you enjoyed this first installment - There are plenty more to come!
So I pull out my beretta! Okay, enough of the hilarity between the South Park episode about Scientology and the R Kelly song! But seriously kids, go and watch the South Park episode and the R Kelly song. Both of which are ridiculously funny.
Believe me, there s a point to this blog and it’s coming up in the next paragraph…
She’s actually trapped in the bathroom!
Am I the only one disgusted at the thought of her growing skin OVER THE TOILET SEAT!? Only in America, and more specifically the South, could you find someone so mentally unstable that they spend 2 years of their life on the toilet. Still, the best bit about this story is the section at the bottom - Apparently the accused had tried to coax her out of the bathroom everyday! I’d like to know what sort of coaxing this involved!
- Come out of the bathroom dear, or you’ll get the stale smell of shite on your chips!
- I’m sick of running round to the neighbours house when I’ve had a night out with the lads and the 8 Corona’s have finally caught up with me!
He claims that time flew, but surely after a day on the toilet or two (Before the real psychological and dermatological damage was done!) he’d have tried to get her out of there?
Anyway, sticking on news from the Scotsman how about this for a Dalkeith Tale (I’m considering opening a new blog part called Dalkeith Tales just to chronicle the delights of Dalkeith and its denizens!) A mini-bike!? Your child’s mini-bike!? This sort of story just sums up this enchanting little town perfectly!
Throughout this blog you will read the word Hilldog, instead of Hillary Clinton. For those of a nervous disposition there will thankfully not be any pictures of her and a rather large part of her body (Seriously! That thing’s a totally different entity to her!), though it shall be mentioned!
Robed Obama Picture Ignites Row - Okay, the mudslinging has really begun. How low will Hilldog go next? There’s no shame in Obama wearing this, in fact it only highlights the presidential aspect of his character - Willing to wear the traditional clothing of a nation out of respect to it’s cultures. We could go as far as showing a picture of Hilldog’s gigantic ass and asking whether that thing is registered to vote!? I’m not going to however, though the mere insinuation is enough to peak your interest I’m sure. Rumour has it Sir Mix-A-Lot is considering a Hilldog Remix!
Not only is this latest Clinton Campaign attack weak, but it makes me wonder what they will have to do to get some real dirt on Obama? That is of course, if there is any at all. Will the General be this bad? McCain will probably not pull any punches, so a united Democratic Front needs to be forged. Obama is now the front runner by between 1 and 8 points (Depending on who you read/believe) and Hilldog may have to start backtracking some of her comments if she wants to be considered again for the Democratic Nomination if they were to lose this time around.
Afterall: Nobody votes for the sore loser, let alone the even bigger loser that lost her campaign’s nomination previously!
