On noticing that the Huge Spot from Hell is in fact getting bigger (why, God, why?), I've decided to go down the 14-year-old girl route and sprayed it with a bit of perfume to help dry it out.

I have no idea if it's working, but I have a mouthful of perfume (a cheapy Next one. I would never waste nice ones on this spot) and a very numb chin.

I shall update you on the progress soon.

PS And an appeal to radio bosses across the UK - please take that crap song by the Feeling off your playlist.

"I thought it was over, but it's not..."

Oh, I wish it was over, pal. You're crap.

PPS Has this man got the straightest teeth in the world or what?